2-22-25

The current mode of operation for me is to recapture (I hate my use of that word. I feel it makes it out to be elusive) the momentum, work ethic, feeling, etc. of my freshman year of college. At that point I was unstoppable, I ate adversity/challenges for breakfast. All trouble flowed right off my back. And I can admit that Chris’ death was a “timeline shift” to use Deirdre’s terminology. I became horribly depressed and lived/created for survival and not much more. 

But I once again have a new freedom and independence. Here it’s hard to say whether the opportunity is more or less, but regardless there is opportunity. The main difference/difficulty now is that in college my “working” hours were creative and fulfilling, and now my working hours are not much more than work. Stimulating conversation at times, yes, interesting characters in the shop, yeah. But it’s nowhere near the same as taking a sculpture class. 

But, the positive here is that there can be no confusion or crossing of streams of my work vs their work. Again, and what I have always sought with art, is for it to be mine. The exploration is part of the fun. The joy of filling the blank page is why I do not fear the blank page. With sustained, consistent, good behavior (journaling, daily page, comic work, exercise, misc. artistic projects, etc.) I will hit a golden age of my own mind/creation. because how fondly I look back on the time while I was living in my dingy, hostile, over heated freshman dorm with my bed ten feet off the ground proves that mental clarity can persevere through any environment (and granted, I was still doing what I loved to do like 90% of the day, I’m not trying to make it out like I was living in a P.O.W. Camp or something).