2-7-25

At the Doylestown Library. A group of old people are playing a card game I don’t know and a guy is working and taking zoom meetings about an AI company. 

I had never really considered before how much meditation I did as a child. Truly communing with myself and getting to know myself. Why is that something that falls out of favor? Why cease getting to know oneself? The only illusion I can think of is the lack of time, but we truly do have so much time. But, we want to be so full. We want to watch YouTube videos while we eat lunch. We want to listen to not just music, but our music, while we drive 50 miles per hour on a 40 mile per hour road. 

We have so much want, and maybe it’s that we just reach for anything that will fill that want. But that blind grabbing for something to fill that want deprives us of the time to actually figure out what we want. Even myself included, I have not given myself the time to consider the true motivations for my actions. Lately, my motivation for my action has been to do what I want. If I have to draw but want to paint, I shall paint. For then afterwards I can draw with a clear mind. If I prefer to shave, I shall take the time to do so, for then I won’t resent myself when I look in the mirror.

But in all of this, I’ve put the cart before the horse. And it was only until last night that I could find that horse. The driving force behind all of this is that I want/need to like myself. I think “need” is valid here when the goal is to be happy in life. I doubt one can be truly happy without liking themselves. It is a cornerstone to building a happy life. Anything else is inherently sour to the core. 

In setting goals for oneself there will always be a cruel enforcer and a laborer that can never do enough. By being content with oneself and liking oneself, motivations are not split between two selves (One cruel and one punished). The self is unified, and beyond that, at peace. If the operator in charge of my brain is someone I like and respect, I will feel bliss and arise over petty squabbles. Then I can ascend to more lofty/higher tasks. I suppose just more interesting ones too. Things that don’t truly have answers. 

Things such as:

“How do I be healthier?”

“How can I dress better?”

“How do I cook better?”

Are all things where the answers are quite plain/simple. Yes, the doing is difficult. Exercise is strenuous, cooking is labor intensive, fashion trends change, etc. But the answers can be tersely given:

“Ask of your body, and use it.”

“Explore recipes and try new things.”

“Buy nicer clothes, keep up with trends.”

Failing to do things such as these will lead to despair. If you treat your body like shit, you’ll feel like shit. - I was going to list other examples like this, but I think that one actually summarizes the whole point. If I were to take this further- I would say that it is your primate brain trying to protect/change you. Treating your body like shit is antithetical to your survival. Once your body’s needs are met, you can toy with the plaything that is your brain, for the primate brain is no longer poisoning it in order to keep the body healthy. - This is all just Maslow. Or at least, what I remember of Maslow and kept with me.

The brain truly is where play happens. Even in sport, so many are fine to just watch and anticipate what could, should, or would happen. If play did not happen in the brain, there would be no sports broadcasting. <= Now I’m just having some fun. 

I think this is why nothing can quite compare to a well written novel. For the brain's imagination is being engaged, but it is not one's own imaginings. - Anything more (images, moving images, performance) almost seems greedy. You’re almost not confident enough to relinquish that control.